My Parents Are Nudists, And I Am The Weird One
A twenty‑year‑old home from college discovers her parents now make smoothies, vacuum, and fold laundry fully nude, and wonders if wanting pants in the kitchen makes her a prude.
By Crystal_20
Hi. I am twenty years old. I am home from college for summer break. I go to a small school in Michigan where I wear sweaters in August because the library is freezing. I love clothes. I love layers. I love the armor of a good jacket. I am not a nudist. I am not even nudist-adjacent. I am the person who changes in the bathroom stall at the gym.
My parents have apparently become nudists while I was away.
I do not mean they sleep naked. I have made peace with the vague sounds of love and linen I pretended not to hear as a child. I mean they are walking around the house fully nude at eleven in the morning like it is a resort. Dad makes coffee with his balls out. Mom folds laundry topless. I came downstairs for cereal last Tuesday, and there was my father at the kitchen island, reading the paper, wearing nothing but reading glasses. I screamed. He said, “What? You have seen it before.” I HAVE NOT SEEN IT BEFORE. Not in the daylight. Not while I am trying to eat Cheerios.
I cannot bring anyone over. My boyfriend thinks I am hiding a drug problem because I refuse to let him pick me up at the house. My best friend Elena is sitting on my bed right now reading this over my shoulder. She keeps saying, “I have seen bodies. I will bring wine. Let me come over.” I keep saying no because I know her. She will look. She will make eye contact with my dad’s penis, and then she will look at me, and I will die of shame.
They were not like this when I lived here. I would remember. I have trauma enough from catching them in the hot tub when I was twelve, but at least back then they had the decency to be drunk and apologetic. Now they are sober and evangelical. Mom said, “We discovered our true selves after you left for school. We feel so free.” I said, “I feel so trapped.” She offered me herbal tea and a pamphlet.
I am counting the days until I can sublet a room with three strangers and a bathroom that smells like ramen. I would rather live with a philosophy major who plays didgeridoo at 2 am than spend one more morning watching my father make a smoothie in the nude. He uses the Vitamix. It is loud. It is aggressive. There is spinach flying everywhere. And his penis is just there, swinging in the breeze of a kitchen appliance I used to respect.
I love my parents. They are kind people. They pay my tuition. But I cannot look them in the eye because I keep accidentally looking three inches lower. I need someone to tell me I am not a prude. I need someone to tell me it is okay to want boundaries in my own home. I need someone to tell me this is a phase and they will put on robes by August.
Please help me. My name is Crystal. I am twenty. I am fully dressed in a locked bedroom, and I can hear my mother vacuuming. Naked. The Dyson does not deserve this.
Elena, stop laughing. I can hear you.
Comments
Casey_17: Crystal, my parents are screaming at me for sleeping naked and your parents are making smoothies in the nude. Can we trade families? I would take the Vitamix over the shame any day.
Crystal_20: @Casey_17 I will pack your bags myself. Bring earplugs.
Barb_Owner: Crystal, I run a resort and I still put on a robe when my grandkids visit. Nudism is about comfort, not conscription. Your parents have forgotten that their home is still your home too. Sit them down, fully clothed, and say, "I support your journey but my eyes need a break." Boundaries are not prudish. They are human.
Crystal_20: @Barb_Owner I tried. Mom said, "Your discomfort is just societal programming." I said, "My discomfort is watching Dad's testicles hover near the produce drawer."
Jody: I am sixty-five and I have three kids. When they visit, I wear a caftan. It is not a sacrifice. It is love. Your parents are being selfish and calling it enlightenment.
Nigel_58: In England, we simply don't notice. Though your father sounds like a menace to small appliances. Perhaps he should wear an apron. Health and safety.
Crystal_20: @Nigel_58 He would probably use the apron and nothing else. The logic is lost.
Rosa_68: I raised nudist kids. They moved out and became bankers who wear suits to brunch. You are allowed to be the clothed child of naked parents. Your body, your choice. Their house, your boundary. It is a negotiation, not a surrender.
Leo_32: Crystal, I am gay and I know about parents who think their "truth" means you have to witness it. You are not a prude. You are a person who wants to eat cereal without genitals in her peripheral vision. That is a low bar.
Clara_44: @Leo_32 "Genitals in her peripheral vision" is the name of my memoir now.
Elena_20: Crystal, I am still sitting on your bed. I have read this three times. I will look at your dad. I will bring wine. I am not afraid.
Crystal_20: @Elena_20 Hell no, you can't check out my dad. And he's not hot. I am going to throw up and you are never coming over. We are best friends but I will end you.
Elena_20: @Crystal_20 Then I will just surprise you. I have seen worse. I dated a guy who had a tattoo of his own name.
Crystal_20: @Elena_20 That is not the same thing and you know it. Lock your eyes in the car or I will never speak to you again.
Desiree_33: Crystal, your parents discovered "freedom" while you were paying rent somewhere else. That is convenient timing. Ask them if they were this free when you were twelve and bringing friends home. If the answer is no, then this is performative liberation that ignores its audience. You are not the villain for wanting pants in the kitchen.
Sam_Moderator: Crystal, I am laughing and I am sorry. Your father and the Vitamix is now permanently in my brain. Here is the truth: you are not a prude. You are a twenty-year-old who wants her home to feel like home. Your parents should compromise. Common areas get minimum coverage. Their bedroom is their temple. You are not asking them to renounce their faith. You are asking them to wear gym shorts while they make breakfast. That is reasonable. If they refuse, lock your door, save your money, and move out. But send us updates because this is the best soap opera we have had since Nigel. Elena, you are a menace and I love you.
Crystal_20: @Sam_Moderator He made a protein shake this morning. Added flax. The flax stuck. I am going to need therapy.
New entries in the Naked Voices thread go up every Tuesday and Friday. Read along in order to follow the whole conversation.
