The Same Kiss, Different Rules
A gay couple discovers that at a nude resort, two women kissing are “beautiful,” but two men touching a knee are “a reminder,” and starts counting the quiet ways affection gets policed.
Moderator’s note: Leo sent this after a weekend at a resort in Georgia. He said he almost didn’t write it because “it feels small compared to what others have faced.” Sam says it is not small. It is constant, and that is worse. Sam
The Same Kiss, Different Rules
By Leo_32
I am thirty-two years old. I am gay. I have been with my husband, Devon, for eight years. We are not dramatic people. We do not make scenes. We hold hands, we lean into each other, we kiss each other's shoulders when we think nobody is looking. We do this fully clothed at grocery stores. We do it naked at resorts. Or we used to.
Last weekend at a resort in Georgia, we watched two women hold hands walking to the pool. They kissed at the water's edge, a real kiss, not a peck. A man near us smiled and said to his wife, "That is beautiful." She nodded. Everyone went back to their towels.
An hour later, Devon kissed my cheek while I was reading. Not my mouth. My cheek. A woman in her fifties looked at us, looked at the ground, and moved her chair. Not far. Just enough. Just the exact distance to say "I do not want to see that."
Later, we were in the hot tub. Two women sat across from us, thighs touching, arms linked. Nobody stared. When Devon rested his hand on my knee under the water, a staff member walked over and said, "We ask that all guests keep interactions respectful." I said, "What did we do?" He said, "Just a reminder." He did not remind the women. He did not remind the straight couple next to us who were basically doing underwater calculus on each other's thighs.
Here is the question I cannot stop asking. Why is their affection "beautiful" and ours is "respectful"? Why is a woman kissing a woman a postcard, but a man kissing a man is a complaint waiting to happen? Why do you people cheer for lesbian love until you remember that gay men exist in the same space, doing the exact same thing with the exact same gentleness?
I know the answer. I have known it since middle school. Female affection is "hot" to straight men until they are asked to think of women as people. Male affection is "gross" to straight men because they are terrified that seeing two men love each other means they might be looked at the way they look at women. It is not about the kiss. It is about who is doing the kissing and who feels entitled to police it.
Devon wanted to leave. I wanted to fight. We compromised and moved to the far end of the property where the trees block the view of the main deck. We sat there like we were hiding. Because we were.
I am tired of being the reason someone else feels uncomfortable when I am literally just existing next to my husband. I am tired of the math gay men do in public: is this too gay? Is this hand too heavy? Is this kiss too long? Women at that same resort do not do that math. They should not have to. But neither should we.
If you are reading this and you are the person who moved your chair, or the staff member who "reminded" us, or the man who thinks two women are beautiful but two men are "in your face," I need you to hear this. We are not having sex in the hot tub. We are not performing for you. We are not threatening your children, your marriage, or your fragile sense of masculinity. We are just tired. We are tired of being the only couple who has to hide to be respectful.
My name is Leo. I am thirty-two. Devon is thirty-four. We have been together eight years and we are still learning which resorts will let us breathe. That should not be a skill. That should just be a given.
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